The new psychiatrist appointment can’t come fast enough


I am so so angry at myself and my depression today.

My daughter hasn’t wanted me to go to her chorus concerts this year. She just says it’s not a big deal for me to go. I don’t know if it’s because she knows what a struggle agoraphobia is for me, or if she’s embarrassed of me because I’ve gained a ton of weight and wear t-shirts and sweats 24/7 because I don’t have any other clothes that fit. She has a concert in two hours and I so want to go.

On the other hand, I’m so anxious about leaving the house I can barely breathe. I honestly don’t know if she wants me there or not. I know I so want to be there, but I feel mentally paralyzed.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.

Update: my kid is great, or was just in a hurry to get ready. She promised to have her dad take a full video. She’s awesome and I feel terrible for feeling relieved.


Time for a new psychiatrist and therapist


Now that I’m on Medicare, I’m on the lookout for a new psychiatrist and therapist. I finally found psychiatric/psychological professionals who will accept Medicare (the Inova Health System). I’ve got initial appointments coming up. I need to decide what’s next for my depression (and anxiety disorder, which is acting up lately).

I think I’m going to make the pitch for ECT. It apparently has a great track record of treating patients with treatment-resistant depression. Not looking forward to the rumored short-term memory loss, but I’m willing to suffer through that. It’s one of the reasons this blog helps me so much.

Any experiences with ECT, or some of the newer treatments for depression (TNS, Ketamine) — I’d love it if you would drop a comment below.

Rebrand Climate Change


We get it. The climate change deniers are not going to back down.

My father called me the other night and said ‘pull up YouTube and search “George Carlin Earth Day”‘.

Carlin isn’t wrong…for the most part. Barring a meteor splitting the planet in two, the earth will most assuredly outlive the human race. So if we’re looking to keep the earth healthy enough for humans to continue, why aren’t we selling that idea as #SaveTheHumanRace?

We’ve done this before; climate change used to be called global warming. Unfortunately, the population incapable of critical thinking figured it was all false since any particular winter was cold. So they changed the name of the problem to climate change.

Then the deniers came back and said ‘don’t blame us for hurting the planet – the planet is fine.’ Classic defensiveness which was probably inevitable by scientists saying humans are causing this problem.

I’m one of the liberals Carlin mentioned in that clip – I recycle as much as possible, I buy items secondhand, I shop at GoodWill. But he’s right. I’m not doing it to save the planet. I’m doing it as my small part to keep the earth livable for generations to come.

OK, branding specialists – let’s try again. #SaveTheHumanRace

Stress and the damage done


Yesterday sucked. No other way to describe it.

I have one ex-husband/landlord who threatens to throw me out on the street for the slightest provocation…the most recent was when I let my dog downstairs to my apartment (he prefers that my dog stay upstairs with his dog). My other ex-husband/father of my children refuses to co-parent, refuses me any additional time with my children beyond the letter of the custody agreement, speaks of my depression as my ‘drama’, and keeps my daughter from me even on my custody days.

My father never seems to remember that I’m sick. He doesn’t give the impression that he considers major depressive disorder an actual illness. He reminded me again of that yesterday.

I was just diagnosed with type 2 diabetes last month. I haven’t told anyone except my father. My blood pressure has been high out of the blue (it’s ALWAYS been low), and I have such difficulty taking care of myself that I can’t get my blood sugar down to a good range.

My doctor is sending me to a breast surgeon to look at the lumps and possible infection/possible inflammatory breast cancer.

I had to find a new psychiatrist and therapist (left my old ones of 8 years because they didn’t accept Medicare). I don’t have an appointment until late May.

I’m so isolated from people. I posted the word ‘drowning’ on my Facebook profile. Friends sent virtual hugs, which was nice….but I really really need someone to come sit with me for a few days.

I’m smoking twice as much as I was before my diagnosis. I wish they had rehab for smokers/newly-diagnosed diabetics — just to clean out my system and help me start fresh.

Sorry for the complaining. I’m just lost.

The Sopranos ending. Let’s debate it some more


Much as I love David Chase, I think he’s deliberately teasing the death/not-death of Tony Soprano. As always, Pajiba gets it right.

I’ve read pretty much every interview he’s done since The Sopranos finale. In nearly all of them, he comes thisclose to saying yes, he did die in that final moment. But then he backtracks, and all the nutters who believe Tony didn’t die get to live on believing a lie. Pun alert: stop believing, dudes.

DC did a shot-by-shot breakdown for the DGA. We saw exactly what he intended us to see. But I don’t believe his point was for us to not know what happened. It’s easy to be snotty and say this was a ‘screw you, this is art and it’s not always easy to understand’, but just because we didn’t hear the gun doesn’t mean it didn’t go off. It just means that it was more effective from an artistic perspective that we didn’t hear it.

Tony died at the fade to black. He would have been shot by Members Only guy. Of course he died. Stop it and go watch again.

ahh…Internet is back


I’m likely the first person ever to say this, but thanks Verizon.

I’m finding that, the friendlier you are to customer service reps, the more likely they are to go to the mat for you. I think these poor people are starved for kindness. Not to say that companies like Verizon don’t deserve all of their bad press 🙂